Breaking Out of Rut-City.

Welp. It's been over two weeks since I've posted. Sorry for being MIA to anyone out there actually following along :) I've been pretty good at making excuses for not sitting down to reflect and write more, like being too busy, too tired or just plain not getting my thoughts organized together enough to make much sense of them. Truth is I have been feeling guilty for not getting an entry written lately but I've found the more I try and force it, the more it just falls flat and I don't get very far writing. So this morning I finally took some time to myself to let everything on my mind surface and put a pen to paper to see where it would go--hoping it would lead me to break out of this rut!

First up, a little houskeeping. To quickly recap the past couple's weeks events...our Denver trip was amazing and action packed! I'll have to do a separate post on that trip alone to provide all the details of where we went and what we saw/did. In short, that is one awesome place! My husband and I enjoyed it so much we talked about moving there someday if we could make it work...or at least entertaining the idea of moving there :-). There's just a very relaxed, friendly vibe that comes from Denver, and even the surrounding areas we visited. More to come on that another time! 

Oh, and if you were wondering how this strict diet went while on vacation, I must admit that I fell off the wagon quite a bit during the trip. I had spoken with my holistic doctor shortly before going and asked about what the main things are that I should really try to avoid if I couldn't avoid everything I'm supposed to and she said to try and stay gluten- and dairy-free. Well I can honestly say I tried  hard and I made the right choices...maybe 80% of the time. But also, I am human and we were on a trip we will probably not get to do again for a long time, so I did indulge at times! That's what vacation is about, right? And I knew as soon as I got back it would be back to eating clean again. I tried not to take it too seriously, so I could really enjoy the time we had there. And while on the subject, the gluten-free pizza at Mellow Mushroom was DEE-licious. Can't wait to start trying more GF alternatives down the road. 

Besides that, I've been keeping busy with all sorts of things and trying to get some sort of routine down for weekdays (since I'm not currently employed). Which sounds like it could be easy, but it's been a bit tricky for me. The past week or so I've been having more angst than usual about getting things done on my to-do list. 
Every day (sometimes the night before) I'll make a list of things I want to get done that day, but I'm finding that some days when I wake up, my body or my heart is pulling me in another direction, wanting to do something else that keeps me from my list. Or while attempting something on my list I run into a bunch of other things around the house that need to get done too and I get distracted from what I started off doing. Soon enough, I'll look at the clock and be surprised to learn how late in the day it is and how little it seems I've been able to get done, even though I hadn't been sitting around. I thought I had been busy that whole time! And just when I think I've got everything about done, a few more things come to mind that need doing. It can seem never-ending! 

I mentioned earlier I'd been good about avoiding sitting down to reflect/write. That had been on my list all week, but I've put everything else ahead of it and justified it by thinking, "it's so nice outside, how can I sit inside, I need to get out there and be active" or "I need to get these other chores/errands/tasks done because they feel like I'll have more to show for myself." Can't it wait until tomorrow? Sure, so it gets put off. But even so, I still felt the guilt creeping up all week, lingering like the feeling you get when you have a project due or a test you need to study for and you can't really enjoy whatever else it is your doing, because you're dreading that less enjoyable task you're obligated to do.
While reflecting on that, I noticed that I tend to do the same thing with my feelings and emotions. If I am upset, sad or mad about something that happens whether it's shaming myself for making a mistake, feeling sad when I hear bad news or am reminded something sad,  I quickly shift the focus to something else and those feelings get stuffed somewhere else. Then I end up carrying around that frustration, hurt or shame and find myself redirecting  it later in a unique situation or worse, at a person I care about that crosses me at the "wrong" time. 

First I know I need to work on not feeling guilting for not getting something done I had planned on or for making a mistake. For me, the rationale I was giving myself for having that shame is when I was working I at least had more 'concrete reasons' for not getting everything done since I had a lot less time and work often left me feeling exhausted. But now that I'm off I do have more energy and I am doing more around the house no doubt but I still don't feel like every day I've done it all. There's always more I could have worked on or prepared for. But life doesn't always go to plan, and things are always going to come up and interfere along the way. Plus, if your heart isn't in something, you probably shouldn't be doing it, or forcing yourself to try to be into it at that moment.

As far as making mistakes goes, that's a bit harder to blow off. It seems we can all often feel ashamed of our flaws or mistakes we make. For me, some of that stems from the fear of disappointing or letting down the ones I love. When you do make a mistake, it's easy to jump to the defense, justifying your actions and shifting the blame to the other person... like, "well I did that because you told me to, or because you made me feel that way, so it was only right that I reacted this way". We do that because it's easier to shift the blame or the shame onto someone else, rather than step up and take it ourselves. It's more difficult to say, "You know what, you're right, I'm sorry, I screwed up and I shouldn't have done that. I'll do better next time." I bet if I took a moment to collect my thoughts before reacting in a situation of conflict, I'd rather take the more difficult route if I knew it would lead to a better outcome afterward. Your significant other, friend or family member can't expect you to be perfect.  Addressing that you are flawed and make mistakes only makes you human. And taking the effort to see how changing your thoughts or actions a bit to avoid the conflict that arose, or reacting differently in the heat of the moment, will greatly benefit you down the road. There's always going to be conflict, but maybe you won't have to keep having the same ones, or you'll learn how to better handle certain ones. 

So remember, you are human and you are flawed. But that's okay because you are also lovable and capable of doing wonderful things. And as long as you are striving to do better next time or being more forgiving of yourself or others, you are heading in the right direction. That's what I'd like to think anyway. :-)

Ciao for now!