On
the outside I may look healthy, happy and thin even, to some. My calm and
collected manner in combination with my bright smile may lead most to think
that all is well. But on the inside there's a different story entirely. It's
not that I don't have a great life. I have amazing friends and family, a
husband who loves me very much; a roof over my head and all the things I could
need to survive--quite honestly I have so much to be thankful for and I
know that. But beyond the surface, when you get past the cover and turn a few
pages in, the truth is I haven't been in optimal health for the majority of my
adult life.
In
my late teens and early twenties, I had my most damaging relationships; with
myself, with others, with alcohol and with food. I dated someone who didn't
treat me well, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, which usually meant a lot
of junk, I drank a few nights a week, even if it didn't feel good, and usually
a combination of those things left me feeling insecure and sometimes even
disgusted with myself. But socially I was thriving-- hitting it off with
friends, going from one party to the next, always trying to be this crazy, fun
version of me that everybody loved --and pulling it off most of the time.
Except the times I would drink to the point of blacking out, and lose my shit
on whoever was closest to me (either literally or figuratively). Classic
case of redirecting all those negative feelings I was having about myself.
Nights like those would leave me in an awful place the next day. I would
torment and torture myself, having regret and remorse for what I had said or
done. It wasn't until many years and mistakes later I was able to see something
needed to change in order for things to get better.
Physically
the signs and symptoms were starting to present themselves. Although I couldn't
quite put the pieces together yet. I was experiencing heartburn, fatigue and
mood swings. My weight would fluctuate quite a bit from year to year or even
season to season. Over time that progressed into acid reflux, stomach ulcers
and increased bouts of anxiety and depression (not to mention digestive
problems that are still with me today). There were times I was in such pain
physically I couldn't eat or drink anything, even water without being in
excruciating pain; and times I felt so extremely hopeless, angry and sad, I
didn't know how I would get better. I thank god I always maintained the will to
live. It helped me fight my way back to happiness, time and time
again, even if only for a short periods of time, and that was enough
to keep me going.
These
days things aren't nearly as bad. Luckily I've learned quite a few lessons
along the way, always the hard way of course, but regardless, I've
learned. At least I can say I'm a hell of a lot wiser than I was 10 years
ago. Unfortunately this wisdom hasn't brought me to quite the resolution I'm
seeking. As "healthier" as I am now, there's still quite a long ways
to go.
It's
interesting though, how different each of our interpretations of "healthy"
are. Recently when I've told people I'm starting a program to
improve my health they've said, "But why? You're so thin and healthy
already." Well first of all, to those who have said that, thank you. I've
essentially never been happy with my body/weight (a WHOLE other story) so it's
always nice to hear someone else thinks you look great!! Guess I've gotten
pretty good at hiding those few extra pounds that have come and gone over
the years. But really, yes, it is possible to be 'thin' or just not overweight,
to eat a moderately healthy diet, and to smile your way through super
stressful days/nights at work and still NOT be healthy. Or truly
happy with yourself for that matter.
So here I am today, at 30, going on 31 very soon and ready to
take back control of my life. My 30th year on this plant wasn't the greatest,
it was quite possibly probably one of my worst in fact, for more reasons than
one. And with 31 approaching right around the corner, I 've decided what better
time than RIGHT NOW to do what it takes and make the changes I've been wanting
to for a such long time to be healthier and happier. I know I have so much more
left to learn but I do know that it is in MY POWER to turn my life around. I am
the only one who can truly take care of my body and my mind and my soul.
And
the next leg of my journey starts with change. This weekend I'll prepare to get
things in order to begin the transition process as part of this
holistic wellness program I'm participating in. One week at a
time, I'll take steps to eliminate foods that are potentially harmful to my
body and replace them with natural, nutrient-rich ones. I'll also be
taking more time out to focus on me--which could mean meditation, exercise,
journalling or reading a book--whatever suits me in the moment. Not every part
is planned out yet, but it's sure to be quite an interesting ride.
There's lots more to come on the experiences I'll face as I take on this
challenge and attempt to improve my quality of life. So I hope if anyone out
there ever reads this, they'll stay with me! Otherwise I'll continue to use this
space to document my journey --to learn and to look back on.
This
is my journey. What’s yours?
I've set the sails in motion...into the beautiful unknown.
No comments:
Post a Comment