Well, here goes nothing...as they say. I started this blog to officially chronicle the journey I'm on through life. It has taken me many years and challenging experiences to get me here but I'm finally doing it, and I'm excited about it! I choose to make this a place for me to reflect, share and ultimately grow in happiness and self-love. And I encourage anyone out there to do the same. I've been debating about what my first post should be for weeks now, trying to perfect it, which usually means I'm over thinking it. But knowing nothing is ever perfect, I've decided I need to just start somewhere, hit the ground running and move forward. So I'm starting with where I'm at right now; digesting thoughts from my recent plane ride home.
I do some of my best thinking when traveling. Letting my mind go free usually brings out the best parts of me. And this past weekend I had a bit of an epiphany while on the massage table at a spa in Whistler, British Columbia. I had told my masseuse I carry a lot of stress in my back and it needed some extra TLC. She got busy doing what she does best, which was amazing by the way, but I was having a hard time being in the moment. I was worrying about the littlest of things, like if I should have her turn up the music and regretting not telling her more in our initial conversation before we got started. She took notice by how my body was reacting to her work. She kept saying "let go...relax...release"...referring to the tensing I was naturally doing when she'd take my arm, hand, leg, etc. and try to take control of that part. She needed my limbs to be so relaxed they were like dead weight, which meant letting go completely and letting her have total control of me. I didn't realize how literal a revelation could be in this situation, but once I started to obey and give up control, I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. The tears came slowly at first, as I would only let a few slip out, trying to keep it together in front of this lovely lady. But when I got to the point I couldn't breath with my head face down in that head piece and getting all congested, I came up for air and asked for a tissue. Figuring she could see my face looking a mess I told the lady I was feeling emotional. She said that can happen and I should let it out if I needed to. There was my cue to really let go, so, I let a few sobs out. It felt good to get those pent up emotions out on the table, although I still felt slightly ashamed for eating up any of this woman's time with my tears, since I was so thoroughly enjoying the techniques she was using. Another signal I could cut it out already with the self guilt. This was an experience designed to make me feel relaxed after all.
Once I had released that good cry I not only was able to enjoy the massage that much more but I felt lighter, afterward, like my mind was quieted. I felt a peaceful calm. And that in combination with the lingering feelings that stemmed from watching P.S. I love you (totally sappy movie) earlier that morning, I could now clearly see what was lying under that worrying and frustration. I had found similarities between me and the main character, and associated her journey with mine. What really tugged on my chords was when she realized she had to find what brought her happiness on her own, as an individual, before she could truly be happy in life again; and potentially find love with someone else. Lately I've been doing a little of that soul searching myself you see, and I realized I need to do the same, (without the last part since I have a lovely love in my life). I want to find something I'm passionate about, something that excites me and brings me joy and challenges me.
So my, epiphany was, two pronged. It was clear I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to be afraid to speak my mind and go after what I want. I want to start being unapologetic for speaking up for what I want, deserve and need. I've gotta stop just thinking it to myself and my thinking is that maybe if I say it out loud enough times I'll have to start acting upon it. Because I do know that once I set my mind on something I go after it. I'm determined to climb my way to greater heights, where my mind, body and soul are in a better place. I know I'll always have to fight for happiness but there's gotta be more to life than what there is for me now. And I've done enough searching to know what I'm looking for is inward, not outward.
The second part is acknowledging I have a voice that needs to be heard. I have felt it roaring at times, aching to get out. For who that voice will help or what that translates to in standard "job" terms-I'm not so sure yet. But there must be a way for me to incorporate my compassion, thoughts, feelings, experiences, words, etc. into something more productive both for me and maybe others. So here I am, ready to embark into the next part of my journey. Looking ahead with hope for what's to come and also keeping in mind I am at my best when I am myself and I am honest about what I desire out of this life. Where this will take me, nobody knows. But I'm ready to find out.
A picture from our trip to Whistler, Canada in the BEAUtiful British Columbia.